I do not like insects.
So you can imagine my constant panic during the summertime, when my screenless window pretty much serves as a portal into what must be quite a luxurious hotel for bugs in need of a vacation (namely crane flies, or as I’ve always called them, mosquito eaters). Crane flies actually stir a fear in me that is a little ridiculous, considering they can’t really harm me, but just the fact that they are so large and insolent (you’ll understand this description later) makes me flee rooms where they are present.
Earlier tonight: I am just sitting in my room, minding my own business, when I see a stupid crane fly. It’s pretty far away, so I just calm myself down and keep minding my own business. A few minutes later, I return from the bathroom, and what do I see? Two crane flies hopping around by my bed, almost dancing with glee. “We’re scaring Cierra, we’re scaring her so baaaad, weee!” So I go grab a tennis shoe and plop down on my bed, as they have vacated the area by now and I no longer have to worry about being attacked… for the time being.
I succumb to a moment of distraction, because my golden snitch replica has fallen from its normal spot on my bookshelf and thus created this amusing image:
… which I obviously HAVE to text to my sister, putting me in a very vulnerable battle position. I see a small flurry of motion out of the corner of my eye. Crane fly. Less than a foot away from my face. In an odd and spastic movement which involves some fear-induced neck twitching, I fling myself off of the mattress and out of my bedroom, only to return a couple minutes later with a burning vengeance. The other tennis shoe in hand, I angrily stomp over to where this pest is chilling on my floor and murder it with a swift swing of my shoe. Thank you, Nike.
In the euphoric feeling of victory, I almost forget about the other crane fly. But I do not. I am cunning, thank you for noticing. I seriously stand in the corner of my room, the best vantage point, for like five minutes with no sign of movement. Fine, stupid. I see how you play. I walk over to my bed, sit down, and set the shoe in front of me. Oh, what do you know- there’s the little bugger buzzing around by my chair. This one is obviously the girl, it is way smarter. I stand up with the shoe in hand- nothing. Set it back down and look at my phone… she’s flying around again. Can you see now why I called these things insolent? They just find immense pleasure in staging sneak attacks on me!
About an hour and a half after the crane fly battle began, I finally manage to coerce the stubborn lady out of her many hiding places and smack her with my shoe. Ha! I got you. And I will get you. You’ve been warned.
There were excessive amounts of swearing tonight, I can tell you that much…